Are you looking for short funny quotes about life and work? Then you have come to the right place. In this article, you will find graduation, love, marriage, retirement funny quotes in English.
Life is not easy but being funny make it interesting. When you’re down then funny quotes can make your mood change. Positivity is necessary for every human being.
Funny Quotes in English
Take a look at our collection of funny quotes in English. These quotes will make you smile. Share them with your friends and family and make them happy.
1. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
2. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. — Albert Einstein
3. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
4. No need to repeat. If I cared, I would have listened the first time.
5. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can’t see anything.
6. They said, don’t give up on your dreams. So I went back to sleep.
7. He knows nothing, and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. – George Bernard Shaw
8. Every day is a leg day when you are running away from your problems.
9. If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.
10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Funny Quotes about Life
It is good to change perspectives on life. You can’t be serious too much in life because that will get you into trouble. So let’s read some funny quotes about life. And I am sure you will laugh while reading this.
11. Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. Enjoy it before it melts.
12. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
14. I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.
15. I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
16. Are you really living life or just paying bills until you die?
17. A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
18. If size really mattered, the elephant would be the king of the jungle.
19. “If you fall, I’ll be there.” — Floor
20. “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking
Short Funny Quotes
21. Life is short… and so am I.
22. I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
23. Life is a soup and I am a fork.
24. Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
25. With great power comes great electricity bill.
26. Life is not a garden. Don’t be a hoe.
27. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
28. The road to success is always under construction.
29. My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
30. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Friday Funny Quotes
31. Work starts on Monday. Life begins on Friday.
32. Friday afternoon feels like heaven.
33. Can we take a lunch break on Friday and come back the next Friday?
34. Friday is sponsored by the anticipation of the weekend.
35. I am instantly 70% nicer after 3 pm on Friday. Happy Friday.
36. Life is good perfectly on Friday.
37. It’s Friday! Time to go make stories for Monday.
38. I can’t believe my eyes…. It’s Friday.
39. Feeling Fridaylicious.
Funny Quotes about Work
40. Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.
41. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
42. My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.
43. The reward for good work is more work.
44. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
45. Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.
46. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!
47. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
48. I don’t always work. When I do, I make sure my boss is around.
49. Sorry I can’t go to my work tomorrow. I fractured my motivation.
50. I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Good Morning Funny Quotes
Good morning to your friends or loved ones with the below funny quotes. You can send images too. They will definitely love your humor.
51. Everyone wants me to be a morning😴😴 person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.
52. The sun has not caught me😂😂 in bed in fifty years.
53. My alarm clock is clearly jealous🤪🤪 of my amazing relationship with my bed.
54. Keep the dream alive: Hit the 😂😂snooze button.
55. Getting up early is the first step in😁😁 the wrong direction.
56. I hate mornings, they start 😂😂so early.
57. I hate when I dream of alarm😅😅 clocks going off.
58. Good morning dear friend. You’re alive😁😁 and well, what an unpleasant surprise!
59. Good Morning! Please wake up and😂😂 be thankful for a husband like me!
60. I was the richest person in the😋😋 world, and then it happened. The alarm bell rang. Good morning!
Birthday Funny Quotes
61. Congratulations on being born a really long time ago.
62. Don’t grow up… It’s a trap!
63. What goes up but never comes down? Your age.
64. You suck at aging! Can you at least try to look older?
65. I’m so sorry I forgot your birthday. The good news is that I also forgot your age. Happy Belated Birthday!
66. At your age, people expect you to be calm, dignified, and sober. Disappoint them.
67. At least you’re not as old as you’ll be this time next year.
68. A true friend remembers your birthday, but not your age.
69. You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
70. You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.
Graduation Quotes Funny
71. I want to thank… google, Wikipedia and whoever invented copy and paste.
72. I can’t wait to hear name horribly mispronounced at the graduation ceremony.
73. Congrats through the easiest part of life.
74. Well, I’m not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.
75. Graduation is not the end; it’s the beginning.
76. I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
77. Spread joy. Chase your wildest dreams.
Read More: Congratulation Quotes for Graduation
Retirement Quotes Funny
78. What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!
79. You’re retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!
80. Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!
81. You’ve finally reached retirement age! Does that make you old or me young?
82. Retired, but working part-time spoiling my grandkids!
83. Retired and happy… spending my kids’ inheritance!
84. I hear retirement is really lonely. I hope you don’t get lonely. If you do, don’t call me; I’ll be at work.
85. I’m so sorry for your loss. No one is ever going to call you “boss” again.
86. I’m not sure why you’d want to re-tire, we’re all tired already!
87. I’m sorry, I thought you were already retired since we never see you doing any work!
Funny Quotes for Friends
88. If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.
89. You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.
90. Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.
91. A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.
92. Friends offer free therapy.
93. Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
94. I think we’ll be friend forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.
95. God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.
96. Never let you friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.
97. Me and my best friends can communication with just facial expressions.
Funny Quotes about me.
98. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
99. Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.
100. I like my bed more than I like most people.
101. Quit looking for a reason to dislike me; I’m just naturally likable.
102. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do.
103. If I managed my bank account as well as I manage my phone battery, I’d be rich.
Read More: About me quotes for profile
104. You couldn’t handle me, even if I came with instructions.
105. If you’re cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?
106. I’m half princess, half ninja; deal with it!
107. If time is money, I am running out of time.
108. Don’t make fun of me; make fun with me!
Funny Quotes about Love
We have here some funny quotes about love that will make people smile. You can use them as Facebook, WhatsApp status or Instagram captions.
109. Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.
110. I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
111. I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.
112. He stole my heart so I’m planning revenge. I’m going to take his last name.
113. What’s more adorable than a baby panda snuggling a baby chick? Our love.
114. Let’s flip a coin. Heads, I’m yours. Tails, you’re mine.
115. I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
116. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
117. I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.
118. Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.
Read More: Husband wife love quotes
Funny Quotes about Marriage
119. If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.
120. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
121. In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.
122. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
123. Does anybody know how to disable the auto-correct feature on my wife ?
124. The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.
125. Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.
126. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
127. Marriage let’s you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
128. Never laugh at your wife’s decisions. You are one of them.
These were the funny quotes about love, marriage in English. We hope you liked reading the graduation funny quotes for friends. Stay with QuotesReady to read new quotes and captions.